I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
