Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize