Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
