Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
