And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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