I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
please come you make the beer taste better
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize