Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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