I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
