got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We have started to decorate penises.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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