I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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