The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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