Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
