doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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