GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
