I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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