just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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