OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
