i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize