Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
