GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
