It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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