if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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