Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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