Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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