Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize