I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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