That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
