he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
