Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize