I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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