i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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