all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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