Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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