If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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