Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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