what day is it and did you see me today?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
