In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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