ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
