Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
