Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
