He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
