I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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