I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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