You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
