Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
