please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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