I want to make a zoo with you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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