True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
