Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
