false alarm. still invincible.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
