I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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