Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think I am morally bankrupt
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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