1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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