this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
