I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
