nut hugger
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
