This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
