Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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