This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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