im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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