Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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