You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
