my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
