Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize