1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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